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"It's not YOU, it's ME"

Ouch! Those lines still hurt. Right?

It is a tried and tested traditional break-up line. How many times have you used these lines to end a relationship? Or maybe these lines were used on you. Whatever the nature of that connection was. It can still hurt.

In my coaching practice about seventy percent (70%) of my clients report having relationship trouble. It could be an intimate one or with a family member mostly spouse, children or parents or more external one like a work relation usually a boss or co-worker.

In most cases the classic sign displayed are feelings of being judged, intruded, misunderstood, lack of care and compassion on the other person’s part. A deep desire that if only “they” changed our life would have been so much better as a couple, a family, a society and an organisation.

Here, the fact of the matter is that the only person who could ever change is YOU. And by you changing your perception about the relationship and the other person the whole dynamics can change.

Identifying our relationship with self may sound very simple yet, it is one of the principle pillars of having a peaceful, authentic and joyous life.

Relationship which we have with our self is pretty much a reflection of the one with the another and the emotions we feel around those relationships become the cornerstone of the success or failure of relationship outside.

As humans we have certain needs; need to be heard, need to be seen, need to be held and need to be understood and when one or many of these needs are not met we feel hurt.

Hurt is mostly felt more in close relationships where there is a certain sense of expectation and entitlement is involved. I witness very frequently in an assured set of people- men and women both irrespective of their age or situations in life, falling prey to this trap of hurt. Which tends to be the cause of their great emotional pain and suffering.

Let us understand these emotions. We are always busy hiding and brushing it under the carpet as denial. And still, how brutally it shows up unwarranted in form of an outburst, indifference, name calling, non-cooperation and in some cases downright sadism.

There are four major emotions which act as a fuel and these too revolve around any relations be it at home or outside. These emotions are namely, anger, fear, guilt and criticism. So when there is a feeling of hurt mixed with these complex emotions, on the outside we may feel anxious, resentful, betrayed and stressed. So basically a deep sense of “not feeling good”.

Depending our own past experiences we may react, act out, blame, shut down whatever our reactions are it may come as a surprise or shock to the other person and can easily throw us in the downward spiral of things not working out.

The quality of our relationship pretty much define the quality of our life-Here an interesting question to ask, would be- Is this relationship worth my time and energy or is it an energy drainer?

While in the coaching we do learn about identifying and releasing the stuck energy through transforming the way you communicate with self and others but it will not come out naturally unless those stuck, painful emotions have been released.

The next question would be what about the closest family relationships like with parents, spouse or children. I would say here setting clear boundaries, consistently sticking to them can save a great deal of emotional pain on both sides. Again it requires, willingness and practice.

Life always mirrors back to us the feelings we have inside of us. If our mind is filled with anger, criticism, vengefulness towards others or guilt towards self, life will bring you back those experiences and then you are truly manifesting- it is not YOU it is ME situation and wonder why I am sad, depressed, anxious or lonely.

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